I woke up this morning, and just hated everything.

Bar my friends and Will obviously.

Believe it or not this sentence took me several attempts to write, as I wasn't quite sure how to begin. I'm in the middle of working out what to do with my life. Do I go on a voyage of self discovery, get a job for a year and return to New College next year? Or do I continue to slog it out doing a course and living in a way I'm not happy doing because it's not actually providing me with a) a want to continue and b) any form of happiness.

Now, to anyone who is following my blog and does actually check it often enough (and i know of late i haven't posted much; I've struggled until now to put most of it into words), this is gonna seem totally out of the blue. But to those of you who read and know me well, you'll probably know i value life experience and memories equal to my education, maybe even higher. Because tbh, one without the other is no good, so in theory it should be balanced but oh well.

My point is, i feel at the moment like i'm lacking something, but i'm not overly sure what, hence the self discovery, which i think would provide me with a whole lot more of a solid career path next year when i return to new.

So, here I pose my question to you.

Yes you, the one reading this.

Do I stay where I am, or do i not?

Secondly. I'm going to do a yearly challenge. I came up with this idea after watching a film (based on a true story), about a woman who gives herself 365 days to cook 400 odd recipes. So basically i'm gonna do the same, except I'm not gonna cook. And I need ideas of what this could be. Probably to start in January although not necessarily new years day but you get the drift. Choose something you'd like to hear about afterwards (No, not selling myself or other similar ridiculous ideas, I want to do something serious and fun to focus on throughout next year), because i'm going to blog it every day or at least, try to.

So ideas please! :)

And now, here's to another six weeks of I CBA.

I admit, half term used to seem a bit of a boring prospect. Maybe a party to look forward to and nothing for the rest of the week.

And now, i'm sat here, having had an absolutely STONKINGLY GOOD half term, at a bit of a loss cause i've now got to go back to college and endure another six weeks of it ¬¬

And then OHMYBLOODYGOD it's christmas D:

Which is fooking scary.

Couple of not so amazing revelations for you:

- I have no idea what i want to do.

- I think i need to drop out of college and take a year, do a job somewhere and a bit of self discovery, go back come September next year.

- My family would kill me if I did though

- I think I grew up too quickly, matured far too fast. Now I want to slow down and break down a bit, take the chance to mull over what i couldn't before

- The best things in life, aren't things

- People judge way too quickly

- I am possibly the most insecure person I know

- The world seems to be spiralling a bit, and no-one seems to actually group together and help.

- But then that goes for most situations doesn't it?

I want to leave.

Ed, lets go on that trip. And not come back?

Trust

Is a delicate thing. And something that yesterday i realised, not through counselling, or anything other crap they've given me to try and help me, but through a long process of thought and finally letting go, that trust is based on a lot of things, not just the other person in the scenario.

Past experience for example. One of the biggest factors. If something happens enough, or is bad enough, it will make a lasting imprint on the person. And it doesn't matter who is stood in front of you, but it floods up when your uncertain of a situation, and aspects of it mirror those past occasions. You don't know how it's gonna work out so you panic.

I don't like a lot of things that have happened, gone on, etc. But this outdoes most. Because i don't trust anyone anymore. It pushes me further out. Makes me feel more alone.

I like a lot of people. Love a couple. But I can't let them love me. And i'm kicking myself over it. Because I can't fall again. I fell so far I can't do it again. I let one person in. And he used it. Turned it all over, all against me. Kicked me down and into the ground until i had nothing left, but made me feel like i should still be giving more.

And you know what the stupid, crazy thing is? I still feel bad cause i didn't try harder.

Last night I let go, and cried. Faced a couple of things. And he still loves me. Flaws and all apparently. How and why i don't know. But maybe I shouldn't care. Cause i believe him. So what now? I'm scared. Because now it's me and him, and not just me. I've got my world to lose. But maybe that's what it's all about. Hardest thing you can do, love and be loved in return. Yeah. I'm willing to believe that. He has everything he could possibly need to destroy me. But I love him. And I trust him not to.

Thinking i've turned a corner. Getting there, slowly.

Can't you see, when I found you, I found me?

This is me actually behaving like an adult.

Okay. So my rents are going to Cyprus for ten days, tomorrow i'm off to wills for the weekend, and i also need to deliver and GET a sick signed off note into work, PACK THE REST OF MY WEEKEND STAY STUFF, do a bit of shopping, make many phone calls and at some damn point do some bleeding coursework and more research into the earlier stages of Anne Boleyns' life. That last one obviously can wait.

I haven't packed a toiletry bag, i have to leave the house at half past 8 tomorrow to get a doctors note. Then go into town, only to bus back out again to work. Go back to town, shop, and go home, grab miniature suitcase, go BACK to town once more and get the 51 out to go to Wills. All BEFORE QUARTER PAST FOUR.

Yeah so, being realistic, i'm not going to barely be able to stop to breathe let alone eat lunch. And i am gonna cry if my money hasn't dropped through yet.

But in this time i have realised that every time i go somewhere, being a girl, there is always something i have forgotten to pack.

So here's a list of what you should always take, if you're going away for more than 24hours, designed of course for the female gender:

• Deodorant - Smelling of B.O in bed or out on that hot date with your significant other or even lounging around with your room mate is NOT attractive ladies.
• Toothbrush and toothpaste - Morning breath is acceptable until after breakfast. Any later and anyone would think you wanted to dump the poor boyf.
• Lingerie - ALWAYS TAKE MORE THAN YOU NEED. Trudging through rivers, sex, unexpected visits from your good friend mother nature and other moisture enriched things can strike at any time and ruin that sexy lace thong. To aid this Item, you should also consider taking tissues, waterproofs and tampons.
• Hairbrush - cause no-one likes a bad hair day.
• Make-up, if you forget it, trust me ladies, you'll regret it.
• Shower gel, shampoo and conditioner because let's be honest girls, how many of us really want to have greasy hair in front of his parents?
• Razor - We are not the earth, nor are we greenpeace therefore we should not be trying to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen by growing the National Forest ANYWHERE on our person. Nobody can possibly be striving to be THAT green. Plus, major turn off, both for you. And him. And the local nightclub.
• Make-up wipes/remover - Frequently used, frequently forgotten, enough said.
• One sexy/stunning/evening outfit, sexy slump, bogstandard but nice t-shirt and jeans, hoodie/jacket WITH hood, pair of comfy but nice shoes/boots, and a pair of heels. Covers most weekend/day-to-day activities. Delete/add items if applicable.
• Pain killers. Because accidents DO happen.
• Money or even better your purse, unless you're going to a gig. Cause you ain't gonna get very far otherwise darling.
• Your phone. Because when we don't have them, our worlds collapse around us.
• Perfume; for no other reason than it annoys you if you don't have it with you.
• Hair straighteners if needed, which, lets be honest, are needed by most these days.
• iPod/Music player. Those taxi/bus/train journeys will be looong without them. You may also consider books and magazines.
• Pyjamas. You won't sleep anywhere near as well as you could have done otherwise.
• Laptop, if running amazingly behind with important work/coursework.
• I'm going to be blunt with the next two:

1. Pads, Tampons etc. Never be taken by surprise, it can end up being MASSIVELY embarrassing, plus hun, Niagara Falls is not a landmark we want moved to the UK or your boyfriends living room. Plus, you may scare the children.
2. Condoms. Because if you are going to go there with some bloke whose just as pissed as you, you don't want to be raising pissed children, nine months later.

And just some general advice. Plan the trip, don't forget to tell the neighbour to feed/walk the cat/dog/fish etc, remember to lock the house, take a key, shut windows, don't leave gas on, check you actually HAVE enough money to get you from a to b, and know where you're meant to be at what time. Take any essential medical items with you and I may just be a geek, but a first aid kit is generally a good idea too.

Lol. I can't believe I actually wrote something that is halfway sensible xD

Thinking Toooiiimeeee.

Soooo,

I'm crap at organisation.

HAHA, yes I know, you're all wondering why I decided to post something you all blatantly know about and have tbh, probably experienced :L

But I had a revelation today; I LIKE BEING UNORGANISED. It leads to spiffy trippy coolio situations that keep life interesting. Like imma be organised about the important shizzle but tbh, i cba if there's nothing to worry about. Just let life flowww, go where the wind takes you and you'll probably be surprised as to what you find.

I got a kiss on the cheek from an old and dear friend, a rant about a bitch, and a fabulous night in with Will and his family as a result of being spontaneously unorganised today. And to be honest, wouldn't have swapped a thing.

Imma liking this little revelation of mine, even if it totally pointless to all of you and i'm quite possibly looking like a right twat writing about it in the first place.

But HEY. Who cares?! :D

NAAAAT ME.

Random moods FTW.

PEACE OUT FROM ZE BIZZLEEEEE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

This is why Jeremy Kyle exists.

Okay, so after the various... restricting injuries i've suffered from of late, i've had some time to mull over the random and important things in life.

But apart from that, this whole thing is rather boring soooo here i am writing pretty much about jack shit. My cat is snoozing at my feet, and tbh that's THE most interesting thing that's happened all bloody day.

Oh apart from my call with Ed at lunchtime.

So boredom busters for people with restricting physical injuries:

- Stick random edible items in the microwave, just make sure you don't stick your cat or anything remotely metal in there with it. Can produce tasty, revolting, burnt, or strangely useful stuff.

- Make a to do list. (However don't be surprised if you never do anything on said list afterwards)

- Get creative. Have a shower. Youuu smelly lot you.

- Light some birthday candles, and decorate your lunch with them. Yes i did try this.

- If you know any of your friends facebook passwords, frape them for all it's worth and leave them a nice messy account to come back to. Bonus points if it's an ex ;)

- Dig out some stupidly old Photo albums, disney videos, CD's etc.

- Do some serious digging around for info on that girl whose acting reaaaal odd. You'll be surprised what 20 minutes dedication to this may turn up.

If all else fails. Watch re-runs.

It's a sad but cruel fate we must all suffer at some point.

I believe it, I can see it now.

Maybe I know,

Somewhere deep in my soul,

That love never lasts,

And we've got to find other ways,

To make it alone,

Or keep a straight face,

And i've always lived like this,

Keeping it comfortable,

Distance,

And up until now,

I'd sworn to myself,

That i'm content,

With loneliness,

Because none of it was ever worth the risk,

But,

You are the only exception.

Sometimes I see a future spin out in front of me. And i'm wishing i get to spend it with him now, more than anything else, just me and him.

I used to wonder why we bothered with love, if it didn't last, and now I know exactly why. Because if you hold out long enough, you find someone you're prepared to fight for, to keep. You'll find someone totally worth the bad times.

I was a flight risk with a fear of falling. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing, that's ever been mine.

Please, never leave me alone.

With every positive, there comes a negative.

I.

Had a good weekend.

Up until about well. 2 hours ago, when i got that disgusting sinking feeling, which means everythings about to go tits up.

So. There's this guy, let's call him Jack. And we haven't really spoken in a while. Until, about a week or maybe a little bit more ago. And er, he has rather tragically lost someone in his life and now it seems, wants me to be the replacement. I have Will. Can people SEE MY PROBLEM?!

It's not that i want to leave Will, because i don't, I never plan to. It's the fact that Jack seems to want to put me in a really awkward situation. So. I am stuck. How do you tell someone that you know exactly what they're playing at, they're a total git, and they can shove their fake feelings where the sun don't shine? The answer is, you tell them exactly that, and i would, except that he's re-entered my life in a very unconventional way, and i don't really feel i'm on those sorts of terms with him. Plus, it's very rude to say that to someone you feel you're getting to know again, even if you don't actually want to get to know them again. Also he's making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Some of the stuff he's saying is far far too... intimate. And it's beginning to bug me. I cannot stand being told it. It's like emotional rape. They put you in a very awkward situation and keep going until they are satisfied they've done the job.

It appears i have also fallen out with one of my four best friends.

Which sucks. However i will end up going round and round in circles if i try and explain it, but it's got me in knots inside.

I am tempted to say that honestly, people will never change. And if i'm going on my past experience with other people, i would be sticking to that theory. But i know as a person i have changed in the past, and some of those same factors that shaped my change may well influence them. I am full of doubt.

I got told that i am wise today. Not really a word that fits into the same sentence as me as a general rule. It was odd. But the thing was they backed their point up, and asked me if what they'd said wasn't true. There was nothing there that i could say was false. Overindulgent maybe, but not entirely false. It was like me looking in the mirror. I see this crappy, painful failure of a girl, and they see a "wise knowledgeable amazing" person. Yay? Is it really ungrateful to say i took that with a pinch of salt? Because I love the guy, i do, but his opinion of me is based on months of looking at a person going through the most turbulent time in her life and putting a mask on over it.

So does that make me both of the above people? Or just the one i think i am? Because if you don't see it, does it mean that it's still there and you are blind to the positive notion, or that it's a miscalculated perception/observation from someone else?

It's like your personal smell. Other people can smell it and comment on how nice it is, but you can't smell it at all, however much you wish you could. But then again, some people hate it and refuse to say so, even if others like it. So is your view of yourself real, or one-sided, or both? Or are we just determined to live life hating the good in ourselves, to help us see what is good in others? You see the good things because they are traits you admire/want/find interesting/need/like/lust. But then they may see said trait in you. It's all relative observation isn't it? A maze of like and dislike, a craving to be wanted, needed, loved, a masterpiece of disguise engineered by your very own mind, to help you get the best of yourself by keeping everything proportionally moderate.

I feel like i've waffled for years. That, was one of my deepest posts in a while.

Used, Abused

So. I'm having a bad day.

Except, this is me, so my bad days are always bloody soap operas.

I wish you could black out all the bad stuff sometimes. It's like someone who can't swim. They struggle and splash around, fight the water for a while before they have to give in and become consumed by it.

And that is one depressing metaphor.

My mother does not understand fucking sarcasm either.

I'm constantly feeling like the world wants me to give up. So many times last week i was tempted to switch off my phone and run, but y'know my rents would have gone spare, and tbh even if i'd have told them where i was going, they would have had a go because it's 'not a suitable way to deal with being upset/angry'. I use various coping methods, and well. They don't approve of any single one of them.

And to be honest, if they discovered this blog they'd probably say it was pointless writing it all down when no-one would bother to read it.

I actually feel like screaming and crying and hitting the floor.

May have to go down the forest and do so tomorrow. Or just run up the big hill, but that just makes it harder to get the hurt side of the emotion out. Does wonders for the angry bit though.

Sounds pathetic. But i'm kinda getting that horrid feeling of a few months back.

But hey. I don't show it, I don't matter, she's smiling, she can't be hurting.

Sure. Whatever you say. Because of course, you're always right and i just LIVE to please you.

Limbo.

Sometimes in life, you get those situations you don't know how to explain.

So after a pretty awesome day with Will, i was sat in the car in the way home, listening to my father rant on and on about how much stuff i do wrong, i set about trying to resolve said issues.

And then. I hit this:

Honestly, i think i may give up. On pleasing him. Because the way i see it i don't think i'm going to be doing much changing.

But if i give up, it's not going to change anything, but nor will trying to change change his opinion because there will still be something wrong with the end result.

SO

You give up caring about the things that bother him after making sure they're things that only he seems to pick up on/bother him.

Okay. First rant resolved.

Secondly. I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of acting like it's fine, and putting on a brave face every single time. Because i actually want to cry, and it feels like i can't. It's treated as a punishable offence in my house, it's seen as making too much of a fuss, and it's an over-reaction. Thing is. I'm scared to cry on people because i don't want them to have to listen to it, sit through it and get bored by it. But sometimes i'm desperate just for a cuddle and reassurance that it'll be okay, they'll make sure they see it through, they'll make sure i'm okay.

Cause no-one can ever seem to.

I feel lonely sometimes. Just completely alone. I'm sat in the lunch hall without anyone to talk to properly, feeling like i could scream and nobody would even look up. I can't tell anyone, because honestly, it's sounds pathetic, and no-one wants to listen to me sound like a whiny old git. I'm trying to hide how absolutely shit scared i am. I'm trying to resist the urge to run back to Odile, and back to what i know. I suddenly feel very trapped. I'm projecting a confident image when i'm thinking about how small i feel, how absolutely moronic i feel.

I made my bed i must lie in it, i know that better than most. But i really want to crack and break. I've been thrown back into a world i haven't known in months. My biggest worry was getting to 3, 2 hour lessons by the end of last year. Now i'm struggling to adapt. I'm already enrolled with the college counsellor. Dear lord. In and out of this for years, because i didn't feel anyone else wanted to know, and i'm reliant on someone that means nothing to me and vice versa.

I feel pathetic. Everything that's gone on this year, I've dealt with, and now look at me. Terrified of college. I'm so afraid of being alone. I guess that's my issue. And not just in college, i mean generally. And then you accept it. How you can't let anyone in, because it seems, as soon as you do they walk out of your life. You're left falling down that black pit of loneliness again.

So I put up that great practically indestructible fencing. That fences you in from the world and prevents giving people the opportunity to push you down that hole, but trusting them not to.

I always tell people, that if you don't fall, if you don't take the chance, you'll never know, but i've been too scared to follow my own advice. It's what makes me wary of giving people second chances, and pessimistic about change. I'm a total hypocrite. And i know the root cause too, i said it out loud to Will earlier on tonight, which is pretty much what prompted the thought process. I got told so much, that i was worth nothing, that i was diseased, some ugly pathetic little girl.

It's not only other people i'm scared of taking a chance on, it's me as well. If they could see me, FOR me, not a toned down version because i'm too scared to be me, or i'm trying hard to be the person they want to see, then i think they'd run and never look back.

Like my grandparents. That introvert child is the only one they want.

And then. You have Will. The single, only person i've come completely out to, not been afraid to be my total stupid self around. The only person i talk to, when i'm not planning the conversation in my head, i can just let it flow, I can trust myself to let myself go, and I can trust him to stick around for it, and not think i'm a waste of time. Not reject me. And i don't know why, i don't know the science, the logic or the method in me and him. But it's me. I know who I am, but I only flourish around him. This week, i've acted more like me, come out of my shell, felt more comfortable being me, than i ever have done before. It has however, also given me the chance to realise that me, myself and I, isn't such a bad thing. That i can be me, and be liked for her. Not some toned down, more introvert version.

I'm still in that 'so happy i'm terrified' stage. But with every day that seems to be getting better. I feel stupid saying it, because i know I trust him, i guess after everything, cautions become somewhat of a middle name for me.

So i guess in a way he's my resolution to this issue. But he's so much more than that, and that's why he means so much. That's why i care. I could lose a lot of people around me, to uni, to moves, to loss of contact and it wouldn't matter much because they never 'got' me. But he actually took the time, didn't back out. Which is a first for me in a very long time. I got so used to being cold, that i almost ran when he came along with a fire and warm clothes. Because it shocked me, y'know. That he could actually care that much to want to stick around and try and persevere. Which was why i was careful. I didn't want to let him in to find myself miserable the next day. He didn't even force down the fence, he melted it away. And now i feel unrushed, unhurried, comfortable and warm, happy in my own skin, happy to let him in. Happy to let him know me, for me, and not some toned down version. I am quite happy to lose myself in him, not worry about the rest of the world for once. To be peaceful and calm. No more feeling like i want to hide under my duvet and cry all day. No more feeling like i just wanted to hibernate for months on end, and no more soaking wet Tillycat with tears, which had become her most common accessory. My life's not perfect, but he's given me more hope than anyone this year. And for the first time, in a whole year, i am excited for the future.

Life is not predictable, it is not logical, you cannot sum it up in a sentence, although many have tried. It's about experience, good and bad, and learning that life is not a singular thing, it applies to everyone, we effect the lives of others. It's a massive experiment, with no definitive conclusion. But there's always the components the odd two or three components that will stay with you, because they're not variables, they're there, you need them, whether you like that fact or not. So what outcome do you have? Well no-one knows because no-one gets the same answer. But that's life isn't it? Totally and utterly different to every person.

Which is why those components are so important; without them, you wouldn't have the strength to try for anything good. They're what makes the trying easier and the result worth it.

Life: A series of rollercoasters, some that are scarier than others. But once you've done it, got the picture, who knows? You may want to do it again. Just don't overthink it in the queue. Don't back out because you're scared you'll throw up. If you do, you know what you have to think about next time, apply the knowledge to the next ride. Share said knowledge with your friends, then rope them into coming on with you. It's not over until you say so.

-Trust your own judgement

-Trust others

-Don't be afraid of yourself.

^ The 3 things i've just proven via this, that i should be more comfortable with.

Possibly the most shocking news since... well. November 09.

IT'S A HAPPY BLOG!

Haven't had a reason to be happy in ages, and now i do!

FUCK YESSSS!

Ahhhh, you know that feeling when you wanna stand on the rooftops and shout and screaaaaam about it? That's me. And you know what? It's actually freaking amazing, cause i never thought i'd feel like this again after everything. :)

Smiles smiles smiles. Hum de dummmm. This is crazy. I forgot how it felt to be truly happy.

Ohhhhhhh my god. I'm trying so damn hard to contain it... thing is i don't want to :D

I can't even explain how amazing this feels!

Tell you what. This was so worth waiting for. :)

The gentle man.

Yes, i did mean to write gentleman that way.



Basically the way i came about to writing this blog, is me and alex decided that we would write a blog based on a random search article on wikipedia. What came up; gentleman.



So the gentleman. Not really something you come across much in the modern day. And honestly, not that much in history either. You wouldn't exactly call Henry VIII a gentleman after what he did to Anne Boleyn and her cousin Katherine Howard would you?



Anyhow. To be a gentleman these days.



Honestly. My experience with blokes this year has proved how much 85% of our male generation only care about sex. Just when you think your on the path to finding a faith and love in a good, respectable guy, they go and treat you like shit. It's a secret no-one tells, one day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
No fairytale, take it from me.
But as a female, i am left wondering why guys feel the need to treat girls this way. Power? Something to boast about to their mates? Or are you all just plain bored? Threatened by the uprising in female rights? Because i want to know. We are no game. And i have declared war on these men. The men who think they can get away with this digusting behaviour. Believe me, i am not going to stand by and watch you hurt my friends, or to be honest, anyone. I am not backing down. Expect a mouthful, for your things to be burnt, for a sharp, hard, kick in the nuts. I vow to make your lives as difficult as i can possibly manage. You are not gentlemen. You are the opposite. Hideous, disgraceful, pathetic, excuses for men.

Thing is. Some of you are quite clever. As friends, you excel, you hold doors, you're there for us when things go wrong and you couldn't put a foot wrong. But if you decide you want more, you decide you want sex. And then fuck my life do we have problems.

Really, the gentleman is dying out with our grandparents. Replaced by a male generation fuelled by the economy driven by money, and of course not forgetting that side dish of steamy hot sex, meaning;
- Office sex for quick relief (because men cannot multitask, and therefore cannot pin a job and a relationship down at the same time),
- Buying your way out of a marriage once your in it (Hefty divorce settlements, for those who have tried and failed at the above.),
- When manners mean sending your secretary a polite note reminding her to send the right gift with the right name to each of your 12 women over christmas,
- Alcohol becomes the excuse for all your mistakes, because otherwise what other excuse do you have for not being your usual overworked, grouchy, but of course professional self. However, your kids may not take kindly to the whole 'daddy was whore' line,
- The stock exchange figures are strangely beginning to resemble how many women you 'got through' this year,
- Women serve two purposes; to work at that desk, and to bend over it.

Total gentlemen, the lot of you.
Grow up.

The final, smug, victory.

So. I met a guy a few weeks ago. Lovely, sweet. Paid a bomb to get to Swindon (as he lived in Cirencester, a good five quids worth of buses to see me).
And then, wwaayyyyyy. I go see him, go to the cinema trip he invited me to with him and a couple of his mates, and he treats me like utter shit. Barely looks at me all day, swears at me, insults my best friends and decides to talk about the girl he'd love to screw when he goes on holiday tomorrow.

Yeah he can delete my MSN, number and Facebook prontoooo please.

Any of you that know me well, will know that after a certain very unpleasant guy called Kyle, that I don't take shit from guys. Like nada. You get one chance and that's it. So this guy from Cirencester, called Ben as it happens, didn't stand a chance. I'm not some obedient, timid person he can treat like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. So girls. When you've been screwed over by a guy, you feel pretty crap right? Most of us tend to go back to what we know, feel miserable and have a boring few days watching films, cuddling the household pet and feeling generally sorry for ourselves.

I, personally, do not call that fitting punishment for the guy involved.

So, girls, a few way to having the last laugh:

1) Flirt with his best mate. It seems to irritate them massively, i'm assuming because they cannot stand seeing you remotely happy without them. Worked exceedingly well with dickhead number 1 (Kyle)

2) If they ever text you wanting to meet up, say no, your week ahead is full, even if it's not true. And NOT because of work. You sound carefree, moved on and they can't accuse you of being boring OR unsociable. (Boys really don't know the meaning of that last word, helloooo XBox geeks...)

3) If you have any solid items of value they've left at your house (for example a nice albeit fake rolex watch that dickhead number 2, Ben, left at mine) sell them on ebay. This goes for all jewellery, CD's, DVD's, iPod's, phones, bikes etc.

4) Any clothing they've left; burn or shred it. Not only is this immensly fun and glorifying to do, if it's designer, it'll hurt them even more. Financially, and emotionally. They never thought that their gulliable, sweet, obedient ex girlfriend would dare do something like that. Prove them wrong ladies. Shredded a pair of Kyle's designer boxers after his cheating escapade. The look on his face when I told him after him asking for them back was priceless.

5) Win the affection of his mother. This does not need an explanation.

6) Go to town with mates. If you see him, pretend you haven't. Have a good time without him, and make sure he sees it. That is the best revenge of all, and this is probably one you've all heard before.

7) If you ever get the chance, and know for a fact you can win, beat him at his favourite sport or hobby. His ego will meet the floor with a painful crash ;)

9) Do not become a slut, and exaggerate how many boys you've slept with on the rebound. It will a) not help you get that new boy you kind of like the look of and b) This bit is kinda obvious, you lose all credibility as a respectable woman and become, well. A slut. Become a social butterfly instead. The more people that are left liking you means he's left wondering why he let you go.

10) If all the above fails, nut him one, hard and preferably with steel toe capped boots or a stilletto heel. If he throws up or cries, bonus.

Number ten should be used as a last resort. However, it is understandable in some circumstances to use it as a more spontaneous act of revenge. I cannot be held responsible for infertility or permanent injury inflicted as a result of any person/s enacting numero 10. ;)

Good luck girls. Hit 'em where it hurts and make me proud.

The McDonalds life

I had a really good chat with a guy from work today, Brownie :)

One of the first things he said was why was i there, i was too intelligent for this job. Bless him. Told him everything, about how i'd come to work there. It was odd. strangely surreal, almost a release to someone who's strangely got a lot in common with me. We share a love of history, of Darwin and our view on religion is similar.

And he's someone who's loud and speaks his mind. Fantastic. :D

Good day really ^^

Rules Are Made To Be Broken

So okay.
You made a mistake. Why are you beating yourself up about it? Honestly, shit happens. Trust me. From the Queen of having-shit-happen-to-her take it from me.
So why are you trying and panicking and defending yourself. It was a mistake and you're human.

What i don't get is, everything has it's history, people have skeletons in the closet and come on, as much as we don't want to think so, we'll add to them at some point. So why worry? Everyone does the same thing. Don't panic. We're all human.

I don't get panic. I don't think i've actually been able to panic for a long time. Think GCSE's sorted that one out for me. Because once you're sat there, in the room with the paper in front of you, there's no going back, you can't do anymore than you have. Can't change it, so give it your best shot whilst you're there, and don't regret it. At the end of the day, the result will be the result. I'm probably too chilled for my own good tbh. I probably should put more pressure on myself occasionally.

If you're going to do something, remember it will have it's consequences, but remember, you'll live through it. You know what the consequences will be. But be prepared to accept them because they are a result of YOUR actions.

I don't want to sit here and tell you that your relationship with that person is never going to work out, or you're definately not gonna get fired, because it's not set in stone. But i'm pretty damn sure. And thing is, no-one sees sense anymore, and believes the person whose actually been there before. Kinda annoys me. Cause you're so blind to what is staring you in the face, because you didn't want to accept the consequences.

Rant over.

A Bitter End To the Valentine Season

Dead red roses,
Wilted in a vase on my windowsill,
Haunting me,
The leaves and petals,
Crisp and dry,
Fall like the change in season,
Sparking vivid passionate images,
Of the time when the flowers lived,
When love was real,
And as smooth as the next bud,
Opening up to reveal,
The rose at its most beautiful,
The perfect creation of nature.

In beauty's place lies beast,
Like the fairytale,
Only backwards,
The last petal on the rose,
Died before it fell,
You killed me before you let me go...

So now it's all over, what happens next?

I have had, quite possibly the most exhausting and emotional week i've had for a long long time.

It's done, my baby has been laid to rest after 3 months of waiting for her father to partake in it. And i know whats been going on whilst i've been away hun, i'm not an idiot. I know what you've said and what you've tried to make me look like.

Thing is you deny so much. What are you? Not that i should care anymore. But now i find you fascinating. Now i find that you're just a manipulative cranky but above all, lazy arsehole.
And i'm wondering why.

Anyhow, it is done. And you will never know where. My family know, and the closest few know. But not you. Think of it as punishment. You'll have forgotton her in a few months anyway.
But punishment for your laziness. Punishment for not being there to discuss your daughter when everything was arranged for you.

Punishment for lying. For lying and thinking that manipulating your family would somehow manage to manipulate mine.

You are a law unto yourself, but personal law is forever your own worst enemy.

Was I out of line? Did i say something way too honest,
Made you run and hide,
Like some scared little boy,

So here's to everything,
Coming down to nothing,
Here's to silence,
That cuts me to the core.

Oh back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?


On a seperate streak. It was beautiful. Calm and peaceful we held our own little goodbye service attended by just the five of us. The view is amazing, and everything fitted. It was an amazingly sad moment having to say goodbye for the last time. I held her so close so many times in her temporary 'room' and now i don't have her any more. But she's with family, and she knew she was loved i am sure of it. The place hasn't changed much. Neither has the woman, bless her. I don't know how long we were there for. A long time that's for sure. I came so close to it so many times, but felt like i needed one last cuddle. Again and again. There wasn't a way round it though, and i know i can always go to see her. I feel like i'm grieving a hole inside of me that i've accepted now though, rather than one that seemed to be in limbo.
I'm starting to let go, although god help me, and pray it doesn't drive me mad with grief.

R.I.P Faith, all your family and your godparents love you, always. Sleep well baby, mummy loves you. XXX

As easy as ABC

No-ones life is as easy as abc.
Fact, right?
Everyones life has it's own complications and everyone will choose to deal with it in their own ways. It is not our place to judge other peoples' problems.

Until they solicite help in dealing with it.

Not only does this invite you to judge, but it also opens up the possibility of critisising decisions they have made, that have led to said problems. However this is extremely easy to do, when you're sat there, WITHOUT said problem in your life. Without having to worry about what will happen if you take a certain course of action. Dissecting others' problems can also lead to hypocrisy, help with your own problems, make you feel grateful or further your own problems.

I am sat on my bed, reading a book about a woman of 30, who has my dream career, with absolutely no luck in love and feeling like no-one understands her. Now, regardless of what my life is doing with itself now, that may well be me in 13 years. And my point being, that that is actually quite a peculiar and scary thought. To me, being unlucky in love is worse than having no job. But to someone else, that life would be welcomed, and love wouldn't be a worry or a problem at all.
I value love because i want to feel loved (duh) , share a connection, trust and care for someone for the rest of my life. I'm not talking about the overly slushy, fatastical and lets face it girls, unrealistic love you read about and watch on the tellybox, i'm talking about the real deal. The nitty gritty (and admittedly, sometimes shitty) stuff, that lasts a lifetime, and is there when you feel nothing else is, but you are still happy, because no matter what you've still got them.

The ups and downs of love are difficult and vary from person to person. But you and your partner understand, and should therefore be able to resolve problems coming your way and act as a united front. Because you understand each other.

My point really overall being, that you cannot take everything at face value, because there's going to be things you can't understand, but there should be someone else around, just that one someone, to understand you. And they are the person who does have the right to make a judgement and try and help you based on it.
So is trying to get a mixture of a good life, career, children, love and maybe even Reading Festival one day, gonna be easy? No. Because life is certainly not as easy as abc.

Happy?

I'm thinking new start, new beginning, new guy. Bit more hope.

Well not exactly new, i've known him a while. Just glad he gave it the chance.
I don't know why i overlook things when they're stood in front of me. Guess i overcomplicate things. Or just think they're too good to be true.

Guess i was so caught up in not trusting people, i forgot the guy i did. It's odd what you realise when you reflect on things. I'm glad i took the time out to this time. I never really knew what it was that lead me to putting up the barrier i did. I guess past events have hurt me too much to allow anyone in. I'm too scared to get close to someone, cause i fear the rejection or the abandonment of them. Or i feel i just don't deserve them. Which may end up being a good thing, as it can keep me grounded and level headed. But it seems to do more harm than good of late.

And to be honest. I'm a little sick of it. And would quite like to jump off the edge now :)