I woke up this morning, and just hated everything.

Bar my friends and Will obviously.

Believe it or not this sentence took me several attempts to write, as I wasn't quite sure how to begin. I'm in the middle of working out what to do with my life. Do I go on a voyage of self discovery, get a job for a year and return to New College next year? Or do I continue to slog it out doing a course and living in a way I'm not happy doing because it's not actually providing me with a) a want to continue and b) any form of happiness.

Now, to anyone who is following my blog and does actually check it often enough (and i know of late i haven't posted much; I've struggled until now to put most of it into words), this is gonna seem totally out of the blue. But to those of you who read and know me well, you'll probably know i value life experience and memories equal to my education, maybe even higher. Because tbh, one without the other is no good, so in theory it should be balanced but oh well.

My point is, i feel at the moment like i'm lacking something, but i'm not overly sure what, hence the self discovery, which i think would provide me with a whole lot more of a solid career path next year when i return to new.

So, here I pose my question to you.

Yes you, the one reading this.

Do I stay where I am, or do i not?

Secondly. I'm going to do a yearly challenge. I came up with this idea after watching a film (based on a true story), about a woman who gives herself 365 days to cook 400 odd recipes. So basically i'm gonna do the same, except I'm not gonna cook. And I need ideas of what this could be. Probably to start in January although not necessarily new years day but you get the drift. Choose something you'd like to hear about afterwards (No, not selling myself or other similar ridiculous ideas, I want to do something serious and fun to focus on throughout next year), because i'm going to blog it every day or at least, try to.

So ideas please! :)

And now, here's to another six weeks of I CBA.

I admit, half term used to seem a bit of a boring prospect. Maybe a party to look forward to and nothing for the rest of the week.

And now, i'm sat here, having had an absolutely STONKINGLY GOOD half term, at a bit of a loss cause i've now got to go back to college and endure another six weeks of it ¬¬

And then OHMYBLOODYGOD it's christmas D:

Which is fooking scary.

Couple of not so amazing revelations for you:

- I have no idea what i want to do.

- I think i need to drop out of college and take a year, do a job somewhere and a bit of self discovery, go back come September next year.

- My family would kill me if I did though

- I think I grew up too quickly, matured far too fast. Now I want to slow down and break down a bit, take the chance to mull over what i couldn't before

- The best things in life, aren't things

- People judge way too quickly

- I am possibly the most insecure person I know

- The world seems to be spiralling a bit, and no-one seems to actually group together and help.

- But then that goes for most situations doesn't it?

I want to leave.

Ed, lets go on that trip. And not come back?

Trust

Is a delicate thing. And something that yesterday i realised, not through counselling, or anything other crap they've given me to try and help me, but through a long process of thought and finally letting go, that trust is based on a lot of things, not just the other person in the scenario.

Past experience for example. One of the biggest factors. If something happens enough, or is bad enough, it will make a lasting imprint on the person. And it doesn't matter who is stood in front of you, but it floods up when your uncertain of a situation, and aspects of it mirror those past occasions. You don't know how it's gonna work out so you panic.

I don't like a lot of things that have happened, gone on, etc. But this outdoes most. Because i don't trust anyone anymore. It pushes me further out. Makes me feel more alone.

I like a lot of people. Love a couple. But I can't let them love me. And i'm kicking myself over it. Because I can't fall again. I fell so far I can't do it again. I let one person in. And he used it. Turned it all over, all against me. Kicked me down and into the ground until i had nothing left, but made me feel like i should still be giving more.

And you know what the stupid, crazy thing is? I still feel bad cause i didn't try harder.

Last night I let go, and cried. Faced a couple of things. And he still loves me. Flaws and all apparently. How and why i don't know. But maybe I shouldn't care. Cause i believe him. So what now? I'm scared. Because now it's me and him, and not just me. I've got my world to lose. But maybe that's what it's all about. Hardest thing you can do, love and be loved in return. Yeah. I'm willing to believe that. He has everything he could possibly need to destroy me. But I love him. And I trust him not to.

Thinking i've turned a corner. Getting there, slowly.

Can't you see, when I found you, I found me?

This is me actually behaving like an adult.

Okay. So my rents are going to Cyprus for ten days, tomorrow i'm off to wills for the weekend, and i also need to deliver and GET a sick signed off note into work, PACK THE REST OF MY WEEKEND STAY STUFF, do a bit of shopping, make many phone calls and at some damn point do some bleeding coursework and more research into the earlier stages of Anne Boleyns' life. That last one obviously can wait.

I haven't packed a toiletry bag, i have to leave the house at half past 8 tomorrow to get a doctors note. Then go into town, only to bus back out again to work. Go back to town, shop, and go home, grab miniature suitcase, go BACK to town once more and get the 51 out to go to Wills. All BEFORE QUARTER PAST FOUR.

Yeah so, being realistic, i'm not going to barely be able to stop to breathe let alone eat lunch. And i am gonna cry if my money hasn't dropped through yet.

But in this time i have realised that every time i go somewhere, being a girl, there is always something i have forgotten to pack.

So here's a list of what you should always take, if you're going away for more than 24hours, designed of course for the female gender:

• Deodorant - Smelling of B.O in bed or out on that hot date with your significant other or even lounging around with your room mate is NOT attractive ladies.
• Toothbrush and toothpaste - Morning breath is acceptable until after breakfast. Any later and anyone would think you wanted to dump the poor boyf.
• Lingerie - ALWAYS TAKE MORE THAN YOU NEED. Trudging through rivers, sex, unexpected visits from your good friend mother nature and other moisture enriched things can strike at any time and ruin that sexy lace thong. To aid this Item, you should also consider taking tissues, waterproofs and tampons.
• Hairbrush - cause no-one likes a bad hair day.
• Make-up, if you forget it, trust me ladies, you'll regret it.
• Shower gel, shampoo and conditioner because let's be honest girls, how many of us really want to have greasy hair in front of his parents?
• Razor - We are not the earth, nor are we greenpeace therefore we should not be trying to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen by growing the National Forest ANYWHERE on our person. Nobody can possibly be striving to be THAT green. Plus, major turn off, both for you. And him. And the local nightclub.
• Make-up wipes/remover - Frequently used, frequently forgotten, enough said.
• One sexy/stunning/evening outfit, sexy slump, bogstandard but nice t-shirt and jeans, hoodie/jacket WITH hood, pair of comfy but nice shoes/boots, and a pair of heels. Covers most weekend/day-to-day activities. Delete/add items if applicable.
• Pain killers. Because accidents DO happen.
• Money or even better your purse, unless you're going to a gig. Cause you ain't gonna get very far otherwise darling.
• Your phone. Because when we don't have them, our worlds collapse around us.
• Perfume; for no other reason than it annoys you if you don't have it with you.
• Hair straighteners if needed, which, lets be honest, are needed by most these days.
• iPod/Music player. Those taxi/bus/train journeys will be looong without them. You may also consider books and magazines.
• Pyjamas. You won't sleep anywhere near as well as you could have done otherwise.
• Laptop, if running amazingly behind with important work/coursework.
• I'm going to be blunt with the next two:

1. Pads, Tampons etc. Never be taken by surprise, it can end up being MASSIVELY embarrassing, plus hun, Niagara Falls is not a landmark we want moved to the UK or your boyfriends living room. Plus, you may scare the children.
2. Condoms. Because if you are going to go there with some bloke whose just as pissed as you, you don't want to be raising pissed children, nine months later.

And just some general advice. Plan the trip, don't forget to tell the neighbour to feed/walk the cat/dog/fish etc, remember to lock the house, take a key, shut windows, don't leave gas on, check you actually HAVE enough money to get you from a to b, and know where you're meant to be at what time. Take any essential medical items with you and I may just be a geek, but a first aid kit is generally a good idea too.

Lol. I can't believe I actually wrote something that is halfway sensible xD

Thinking Toooiiimeeee.

Soooo,

I'm crap at organisation.

HAHA, yes I know, you're all wondering why I decided to post something you all blatantly know about and have tbh, probably experienced :L

But I had a revelation today; I LIKE BEING UNORGANISED. It leads to spiffy trippy coolio situations that keep life interesting. Like imma be organised about the important shizzle but tbh, i cba if there's nothing to worry about. Just let life flowww, go where the wind takes you and you'll probably be surprised as to what you find.

I got a kiss on the cheek from an old and dear friend, a rant about a bitch, and a fabulous night in with Will and his family as a result of being spontaneously unorganised today. And to be honest, wouldn't have swapped a thing.

Imma liking this little revelation of mine, even if it totally pointless to all of you and i'm quite possibly looking like a right twat writing about it in the first place.

But HEY. Who cares?! :D

NAAAAT ME.

Random moods FTW.

PEACE OUT FROM ZE BIZZLEEEEE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

This is why Jeremy Kyle exists.

Okay, so after the various... restricting injuries i've suffered from of late, i've had some time to mull over the random and important things in life.

But apart from that, this whole thing is rather boring soooo here i am writing pretty much about jack shit. My cat is snoozing at my feet, and tbh that's THE most interesting thing that's happened all bloody day.

Oh apart from my call with Ed at lunchtime.

So boredom busters for people with restricting physical injuries:

- Stick random edible items in the microwave, just make sure you don't stick your cat or anything remotely metal in there with it. Can produce tasty, revolting, burnt, or strangely useful stuff.

- Make a to do list. (However don't be surprised if you never do anything on said list afterwards)

- Get creative. Have a shower. Youuu smelly lot you.

- Light some birthday candles, and decorate your lunch with them. Yes i did try this.

- If you know any of your friends facebook passwords, frape them for all it's worth and leave them a nice messy account to come back to. Bonus points if it's an ex ;)

- Dig out some stupidly old Photo albums, disney videos, CD's etc.

- Do some serious digging around for info on that girl whose acting reaaaal odd. You'll be surprised what 20 minutes dedication to this may turn up.

If all else fails. Watch re-runs.

It's a sad but cruel fate we must all suffer at some point.

I believe it, I can see it now.

Maybe I know,

Somewhere deep in my soul,

That love never lasts,

And we've got to find other ways,

To make it alone,

Or keep a straight face,

And i've always lived like this,

Keeping it comfortable,

Distance,

And up until now,

I'd sworn to myself,

That i'm content,

With loneliness,

Because none of it was ever worth the risk,

But,

You are the only exception.

Sometimes I see a future spin out in front of me. And i'm wishing i get to spend it with him now, more than anything else, just me and him.

I used to wonder why we bothered with love, if it didn't last, and now I know exactly why. Because if you hold out long enough, you find someone you're prepared to fight for, to keep. You'll find someone totally worth the bad times.

I was a flight risk with a fear of falling. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing, that's ever been mine.

Please, never leave me alone.