Trust

Is a delicate thing. And something that yesterday i realised, not through counselling, or anything other crap they've given me to try and help me, but through a long process of thought and finally letting go, that trust is based on a lot of things, not just the other person in the scenario.

Past experience for example. One of the biggest factors. If something happens enough, or is bad enough, it will make a lasting imprint on the person. And it doesn't matter who is stood in front of you, but it floods up when your uncertain of a situation, and aspects of it mirror those past occasions. You don't know how it's gonna work out so you panic.

I don't like a lot of things that have happened, gone on, etc. But this outdoes most. Because i don't trust anyone anymore. It pushes me further out. Makes me feel more alone.

I like a lot of people. Love a couple. But I can't let them love me. And i'm kicking myself over it. Because I can't fall again. I fell so far I can't do it again. I let one person in. And he used it. Turned it all over, all against me. Kicked me down and into the ground until i had nothing left, but made me feel like i should still be giving more.

And you know what the stupid, crazy thing is? I still feel bad cause i didn't try harder.

Last night I let go, and cried. Faced a couple of things. And he still loves me. Flaws and all apparently. How and why i don't know. But maybe I shouldn't care. Cause i believe him. So what now? I'm scared. Because now it's me and him, and not just me. I've got my world to lose. But maybe that's what it's all about. Hardest thing you can do, love and be loved in return. Yeah. I'm willing to believe that. He has everything he could possibly need to destroy me. But I love him. And I trust him not to.

Thinking i've turned a corner. Getting there, slowly.

Can't you see, when I found you, I found me?