With every positive, there comes a negative.

I.

Had a good weekend.

Up until about well. 2 hours ago, when i got that disgusting sinking feeling, which means everythings about to go tits up.

So. There's this guy, let's call him Jack. And we haven't really spoken in a while. Until, about a week or maybe a little bit more ago. And er, he has rather tragically lost someone in his life and now it seems, wants me to be the replacement. I have Will. Can people SEE MY PROBLEM?!

It's not that i want to leave Will, because i don't, I never plan to. It's the fact that Jack seems to want to put me in a really awkward situation. So. I am stuck. How do you tell someone that you know exactly what they're playing at, they're a total git, and they can shove their fake feelings where the sun don't shine? The answer is, you tell them exactly that, and i would, except that he's re-entered my life in a very unconventional way, and i don't really feel i'm on those sorts of terms with him. Plus, it's very rude to say that to someone you feel you're getting to know again, even if you don't actually want to get to know them again. Also he's making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Some of the stuff he's saying is far far too... intimate. And it's beginning to bug me. I cannot stand being told it. It's like emotional rape. They put you in a very awkward situation and keep going until they are satisfied they've done the job.

It appears i have also fallen out with one of my four best friends.

Which sucks. However i will end up going round and round in circles if i try and explain it, but it's got me in knots inside.

I am tempted to say that honestly, people will never change. And if i'm going on my past experience with other people, i would be sticking to that theory. But i know as a person i have changed in the past, and some of those same factors that shaped my change may well influence them. I am full of doubt.

I got told that i am wise today. Not really a word that fits into the same sentence as me as a general rule. It was odd. But the thing was they backed their point up, and asked me if what they'd said wasn't true. There was nothing there that i could say was false. Overindulgent maybe, but not entirely false. It was like me looking in the mirror. I see this crappy, painful failure of a girl, and they see a "wise knowledgeable amazing" person. Yay? Is it really ungrateful to say i took that with a pinch of salt? Because I love the guy, i do, but his opinion of me is based on months of looking at a person going through the most turbulent time in her life and putting a mask on over it.

So does that make me both of the above people? Or just the one i think i am? Because if you don't see it, does it mean that it's still there and you are blind to the positive notion, or that it's a miscalculated perception/observation from someone else?

It's like your personal smell. Other people can smell it and comment on how nice it is, but you can't smell it at all, however much you wish you could. But then again, some people hate it and refuse to say so, even if others like it. So is your view of yourself real, or one-sided, or both? Or are we just determined to live life hating the good in ourselves, to help us see what is good in others? You see the good things because they are traits you admire/want/find interesting/need/like/lust. But then they may see said trait in you. It's all relative observation isn't it? A maze of like and dislike, a craving to be wanted, needed, loved, a masterpiece of disguise engineered by your very own mind, to help you get the best of yourself by keeping everything proportionally moderate.

I feel like i've waffled for years. That, was one of my deepest posts in a while.