And now, here's to another six weeks of I CBA.

I admit, half term used to seem a bit of a boring prospect. Maybe a party to look forward to and nothing for the rest of the week.

And now, i'm sat here, having had an absolutely STONKINGLY GOOD half term, at a bit of a loss cause i've now got to go back to college and endure another six weeks of it ¬¬

And then OHMYBLOODYGOD it's christmas D:

Which is fooking scary.

Couple of not so amazing revelations for you:

- I have no idea what i want to do.

- I think i need to drop out of college and take a year, do a job somewhere and a bit of self discovery, go back come September next year.

- My family would kill me if I did though

- I think I grew up too quickly, matured far too fast. Now I want to slow down and break down a bit, take the chance to mull over what i couldn't before

- The best things in life, aren't things

- People judge way too quickly

- I am possibly the most insecure person I know

- The world seems to be spiralling a bit, and no-one seems to actually group together and help.

- But then that goes for most situations doesn't it?

I want to leave.

Ed, lets go on that trip. And not come back?

Trust

Is a delicate thing. And something that yesterday i realised, not through counselling, or anything other crap they've given me to try and help me, but through a long process of thought and finally letting go, that trust is based on a lot of things, not just the other person in the scenario.

Past experience for example. One of the biggest factors. If something happens enough, or is bad enough, it will make a lasting imprint on the person. And it doesn't matter who is stood in front of you, but it floods up when your uncertain of a situation, and aspects of it mirror those past occasions. You don't know how it's gonna work out so you panic.

I don't like a lot of things that have happened, gone on, etc. But this outdoes most. Because i don't trust anyone anymore. It pushes me further out. Makes me feel more alone.

I like a lot of people. Love a couple. But I can't let them love me. And i'm kicking myself over it. Because I can't fall again. I fell so far I can't do it again. I let one person in. And he used it. Turned it all over, all against me. Kicked me down and into the ground until i had nothing left, but made me feel like i should still be giving more.

And you know what the stupid, crazy thing is? I still feel bad cause i didn't try harder.

Last night I let go, and cried. Faced a couple of things. And he still loves me. Flaws and all apparently. How and why i don't know. But maybe I shouldn't care. Cause i believe him. So what now? I'm scared. Because now it's me and him, and not just me. I've got my world to lose. But maybe that's what it's all about. Hardest thing you can do, love and be loved in return. Yeah. I'm willing to believe that. He has everything he could possibly need to destroy me. But I love him. And I trust him not to.

Thinking i've turned a corner. Getting there, slowly.

Can't you see, when I found you, I found me?

This is me actually behaving like an adult.

Okay. So my rents are going to Cyprus for ten days, tomorrow i'm off to wills for the weekend, and i also need to deliver and GET a sick signed off note into work, PACK THE REST OF MY WEEKEND STAY STUFF, do a bit of shopping, make many phone calls and at some damn point do some bleeding coursework and more research into the earlier stages of Anne Boleyns' life. That last one obviously can wait.

I haven't packed a toiletry bag, i have to leave the house at half past 8 tomorrow to get a doctors note. Then go into town, only to bus back out again to work. Go back to town, shop, and go home, grab miniature suitcase, go BACK to town once more and get the 51 out to go to Wills. All BEFORE QUARTER PAST FOUR.

Yeah so, being realistic, i'm not going to barely be able to stop to breathe let alone eat lunch. And i am gonna cry if my money hasn't dropped through yet.

But in this time i have realised that every time i go somewhere, being a girl, there is always something i have forgotten to pack.

So here's a list of what you should always take, if you're going away for more than 24hours, designed of course for the female gender:

• Deodorant - Smelling of B.O in bed or out on that hot date with your significant other or even lounging around with your room mate is NOT attractive ladies.
• Toothbrush and toothpaste - Morning breath is acceptable until after breakfast. Any later and anyone would think you wanted to dump the poor boyf.
• Lingerie - ALWAYS TAKE MORE THAN YOU NEED. Trudging through rivers, sex, unexpected visits from your good friend mother nature and other moisture enriched things can strike at any time and ruin that sexy lace thong. To aid this Item, you should also consider taking tissues, waterproofs and tampons.
• Hairbrush - cause no-one likes a bad hair day.
• Make-up, if you forget it, trust me ladies, you'll regret it.
• Shower gel, shampoo and conditioner because let's be honest girls, how many of us really want to have greasy hair in front of his parents?
• Razor - We are not the earth, nor are we greenpeace therefore we should not be trying to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen by growing the National Forest ANYWHERE on our person. Nobody can possibly be striving to be THAT green. Plus, major turn off, both for you. And him. And the local nightclub.
• Make-up wipes/remover - Frequently used, frequently forgotten, enough said.
• One sexy/stunning/evening outfit, sexy slump, bogstandard but nice t-shirt and jeans, hoodie/jacket WITH hood, pair of comfy but nice shoes/boots, and a pair of heels. Covers most weekend/day-to-day activities. Delete/add items if applicable.
• Pain killers. Because accidents DO happen.
• Money or even better your purse, unless you're going to a gig. Cause you ain't gonna get very far otherwise darling.
• Your phone. Because when we don't have them, our worlds collapse around us.
• Perfume; for no other reason than it annoys you if you don't have it with you.
• Hair straighteners if needed, which, lets be honest, are needed by most these days.
• iPod/Music player. Those taxi/bus/train journeys will be looong without them. You may also consider books and magazines.
• Pyjamas. You won't sleep anywhere near as well as you could have done otherwise.
• Laptop, if running amazingly behind with important work/coursework.
• I'm going to be blunt with the next two:

1. Pads, Tampons etc. Never be taken by surprise, it can end up being MASSIVELY embarrassing, plus hun, Niagara Falls is not a landmark we want moved to the UK or your boyfriends living room. Plus, you may scare the children.
2. Condoms. Because if you are going to go there with some bloke whose just as pissed as you, you don't want to be raising pissed children, nine months later.

And just some general advice. Plan the trip, don't forget to tell the neighbour to feed/walk the cat/dog/fish etc, remember to lock the house, take a key, shut windows, don't leave gas on, check you actually HAVE enough money to get you from a to b, and know where you're meant to be at what time. Take any essential medical items with you and I may just be a geek, but a first aid kit is generally a good idea too.

Lol. I can't believe I actually wrote something that is halfway sensible xD

Thinking Toooiiimeeee.

Soooo,

I'm crap at organisation.

HAHA, yes I know, you're all wondering why I decided to post something you all blatantly know about and have tbh, probably experienced :L

But I had a revelation today; I LIKE BEING UNORGANISED. It leads to spiffy trippy coolio situations that keep life interesting. Like imma be organised about the important shizzle but tbh, i cba if there's nothing to worry about. Just let life flowww, go where the wind takes you and you'll probably be surprised as to what you find.

I got a kiss on the cheek from an old and dear friend, a rant about a bitch, and a fabulous night in with Will and his family as a result of being spontaneously unorganised today. And to be honest, wouldn't have swapped a thing.

Imma liking this little revelation of mine, even if it totally pointless to all of you and i'm quite possibly looking like a right twat writing about it in the first place.

But HEY. Who cares?! :D

NAAAAT ME.

Random moods FTW.

PEACE OUT FROM ZE BIZZLEEEEE LOVE LOVE LOVE.