This is why Jeremy Kyle exists.

Okay, so after the various... restricting injuries i've suffered from of late, i've had some time to mull over the random and important things in life.

But apart from that, this whole thing is rather boring soooo here i am writing pretty much about jack shit. My cat is snoozing at my feet, and tbh that's THE most interesting thing that's happened all bloody day.

Oh apart from my call with Ed at lunchtime.

So boredom busters for people with restricting physical injuries:

- Stick random edible items in the microwave, just make sure you don't stick your cat or anything remotely metal in there with it. Can produce tasty, revolting, burnt, or strangely useful stuff.

- Make a to do list. (However don't be surprised if you never do anything on said list afterwards)

- Get creative. Have a shower. Youuu smelly lot you.

- Light some birthday candles, and decorate your lunch with them. Yes i did try this.

- If you know any of your friends facebook passwords, frape them for all it's worth and leave them a nice messy account to come back to. Bonus points if it's an ex ;)

- Dig out some stupidly old Photo albums, disney videos, CD's etc.

- Do some serious digging around for info on that girl whose acting reaaaal odd. You'll be surprised what 20 minutes dedication to this may turn up.

If all else fails. Watch re-runs.

It's a sad but cruel fate we must all suffer at some point.

I believe it, I can see it now.

Maybe I know,

Somewhere deep in my soul,

That love never lasts,

And we've got to find other ways,

To make it alone,

Or keep a straight face,

And i've always lived like this,

Keeping it comfortable,

Distance,

And up until now,

I'd sworn to myself,

That i'm content,

With loneliness,

Because none of it was ever worth the risk,

But,

You are the only exception.

Sometimes I see a future spin out in front of me. And i'm wishing i get to spend it with him now, more than anything else, just me and him.

I used to wonder why we bothered with love, if it didn't last, and now I know exactly why. Because if you hold out long enough, you find someone you're prepared to fight for, to keep. You'll find someone totally worth the bad times.

I was a flight risk with a fear of falling. You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing, that's ever been mine.

Please, never leave me alone.

With every positive, there comes a negative.

I.

Had a good weekend.

Up until about well. 2 hours ago, when i got that disgusting sinking feeling, which means everythings about to go tits up.

So. There's this guy, let's call him Jack. And we haven't really spoken in a while. Until, about a week or maybe a little bit more ago. And er, he has rather tragically lost someone in his life and now it seems, wants me to be the replacement. I have Will. Can people SEE MY PROBLEM?!

It's not that i want to leave Will, because i don't, I never plan to. It's the fact that Jack seems to want to put me in a really awkward situation. So. I am stuck. How do you tell someone that you know exactly what they're playing at, they're a total git, and they can shove their fake feelings where the sun don't shine? The answer is, you tell them exactly that, and i would, except that he's re-entered my life in a very unconventional way, and i don't really feel i'm on those sorts of terms with him. Plus, it's very rude to say that to someone you feel you're getting to know again, even if you don't actually want to get to know them again. Also he's making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Some of the stuff he's saying is far far too... intimate. And it's beginning to bug me. I cannot stand being told it. It's like emotional rape. They put you in a very awkward situation and keep going until they are satisfied they've done the job.

It appears i have also fallen out with one of my four best friends.

Which sucks. However i will end up going round and round in circles if i try and explain it, but it's got me in knots inside.

I am tempted to say that honestly, people will never change. And if i'm going on my past experience with other people, i would be sticking to that theory. But i know as a person i have changed in the past, and some of those same factors that shaped my change may well influence them. I am full of doubt.

I got told that i am wise today. Not really a word that fits into the same sentence as me as a general rule. It was odd. But the thing was they backed their point up, and asked me if what they'd said wasn't true. There was nothing there that i could say was false. Overindulgent maybe, but not entirely false. It was like me looking in the mirror. I see this crappy, painful failure of a girl, and they see a "wise knowledgeable amazing" person. Yay? Is it really ungrateful to say i took that with a pinch of salt? Because I love the guy, i do, but his opinion of me is based on months of looking at a person going through the most turbulent time in her life and putting a mask on over it.

So does that make me both of the above people? Or just the one i think i am? Because if you don't see it, does it mean that it's still there and you are blind to the positive notion, or that it's a miscalculated perception/observation from someone else?

It's like your personal smell. Other people can smell it and comment on how nice it is, but you can't smell it at all, however much you wish you could. But then again, some people hate it and refuse to say so, even if others like it. So is your view of yourself real, or one-sided, or both? Or are we just determined to live life hating the good in ourselves, to help us see what is good in others? You see the good things because they are traits you admire/want/find interesting/need/like/lust. But then they may see said trait in you. It's all relative observation isn't it? A maze of like and dislike, a craving to be wanted, needed, loved, a masterpiece of disguise engineered by your very own mind, to help you get the best of yourself by keeping everything proportionally moderate.

I feel like i've waffled for years. That, was one of my deepest posts in a while.

Used, Abused

So. I'm having a bad day.

Except, this is me, so my bad days are always bloody soap operas.

I wish you could black out all the bad stuff sometimes. It's like someone who can't swim. They struggle and splash around, fight the water for a while before they have to give in and become consumed by it.

And that is one depressing metaphor.

My mother does not understand fucking sarcasm either.

I'm constantly feeling like the world wants me to give up. So many times last week i was tempted to switch off my phone and run, but y'know my rents would have gone spare, and tbh even if i'd have told them where i was going, they would have had a go because it's 'not a suitable way to deal with being upset/angry'. I use various coping methods, and well. They don't approve of any single one of them.

And to be honest, if they discovered this blog they'd probably say it was pointless writing it all down when no-one would bother to read it.

I actually feel like screaming and crying and hitting the floor.

May have to go down the forest and do so tomorrow. Or just run up the big hill, but that just makes it harder to get the hurt side of the emotion out. Does wonders for the angry bit though.

Sounds pathetic. But i'm kinda getting that horrid feeling of a few months back.

But hey. I don't show it, I don't matter, she's smiling, she can't be hurting.

Sure. Whatever you say. Because of course, you're always right and i just LIVE to please you.

Limbo.

Sometimes in life, you get those situations you don't know how to explain.

So after a pretty awesome day with Will, i was sat in the car in the way home, listening to my father rant on and on about how much stuff i do wrong, i set about trying to resolve said issues.

And then. I hit this:

Honestly, i think i may give up. On pleasing him. Because the way i see it i don't think i'm going to be doing much changing.

But if i give up, it's not going to change anything, but nor will trying to change change his opinion because there will still be something wrong with the end result.

SO

You give up caring about the things that bother him after making sure they're things that only he seems to pick up on/bother him.

Okay. First rant resolved.

Secondly. I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of acting like it's fine, and putting on a brave face every single time. Because i actually want to cry, and it feels like i can't. It's treated as a punishable offence in my house, it's seen as making too much of a fuss, and it's an over-reaction. Thing is. I'm scared to cry on people because i don't want them to have to listen to it, sit through it and get bored by it. But sometimes i'm desperate just for a cuddle and reassurance that it'll be okay, they'll make sure they see it through, they'll make sure i'm okay.

Cause no-one can ever seem to.

I feel lonely sometimes. Just completely alone. I'm sat in the lunch hall without anyone to talk to properly, feeling like i could scream and nobody would even look up. I can't tell anyone, because honestly, it's sounds pathetic, and no-one wants to listen to me sound like a whiny old git. I'm trying to hide how absolutely shit scared i am. I'm trying to resist the urge to run back to Odile, and back to what i know. I suddenly feel very trapped. I'm projecting a confident image when i'm thinking about how small i feel, how absolutely moronic i feel.

I made my bed i must lie in it, i know that better than most. But i really want to crack and break. I've been thrown back into a world i haven't known in months. My biggest worry was getting to 3, 2 hour lessons by the end of last year. Now i'm struggling to adapt. I'm already enrolled with the college counsellor. Dear lord. In and out of this for years, because i didn't feel anyone else wanted to know, and i'm reliant on someone that means nothing to me and vice versa.

I feel pathetic. Everything that's gone on this year, I've dealt with, and now look at me. Terrified of college. I'm so afraid of being alone. I guess that's my issue. And not just in college, i mean generally. And then you accept it. How you can't let anyone in, because it seems, as soon as you do they walk out of your life. You're left falling down that black pit of loneliness again.

So I put up that great practically indestructible fencing. That fences you in from the world and prevents giving people the opportunity to push you down that hole, but trusting them not to.

I always tell people, that if you don't fall, if you don't take the chance, you'll never know, but i've been too scared to follow my own advice. It's what makes me wary of giving people second chances, and pessimistic about change. I'm a total hypocrite. And i know the root cause too, i said it out loud to Will earlier on tonight, which is pretty much what prompted the thought process. I got told so much, that i was worth nothing, that i was diseased, some ugly pathetic little girl.

It's not only other people i'm scared of taking a chance on, it's me as well. If they could see me, FOR me, not a toned down version because i'm too scared to be me, or i'm trying hard to be the person they want to see, then i think they'd run and never look back.

Like my grandparents. That introvert child is the only one they want.

And then. You have Will. The single, only person i've come completely out to, not been afraid to be my total stupid self around. The only person i talk to, when i'm not planning the conversation in my head, i can just let it flow, I can trust myself to let myself go, and I can trust him to stick around for it, and not think i'm a waste of time. Not reject me. And i don't know why, i don't know the science, the logic or the method in me and him. But it's me. I know who I am, but I only flourish around him. This week, i've acted more like me, come out of my shell, felt more comfortable being me, than i ever have done before. It has however, also given me the chance to realise that me, myself and I, isn't such a bad thing. That i can be me, and be liked for her. Not some toned down, more introvert version.

I'm still in that 'so happy i'm terrified' stage. But with every day that seems to be getting better. I feel stupid saying it, because i know I trust him, i guess after everything, cautions become somewhat of a middle name for me.

So i guess in a way he's my resolution to this issue. But he's so much more than that, and that's why he means so much. That's why i care. I could lose a lot of people around me, to uni, to moves, to loss of contact and it wouldn't matter much because they never 'got' me. But he actually took the time, didn't back out. Which is a first for me in a very long time. I got so used to being cold, that i almost ran when he came along with a fire and warm clothes. Because it shocked me, y'know. That he could actually care that much to want to stick around and try and persevere. Which was why i was careful. I didn't want to let him in to find myself miserable the next day. He didn't even force down the fence, he melted it away. And now i feel unrushed, unhurried, comfortable and warm, happy in my own skin, happy to let him in. Happy to let him know me, for me, and not some toned down version. I am quite happy to lose myself in him, not worry about the rest of the world for once. To be peaceful and calm. No more feeling like i want to hide under my duvet and cry all day. No more feeling like i just wanted to hibernate for months on end, and no more soaking wet Tillycat with tears, which had become her most common accessory. My life's not perfect, but he's given me more hope than anyone this year. And for the first time, in a whole year, i am excited for the future.

Life is not predictable, it is not logical, you cannot sum it up in a sentence, although many have tried. It's about experience, good and bad, and learning that life is not a singular thing, it applies to everyone, we effect the lives of others. It's a massive experiment, with no definitive conclusion. But there's always the components the odd two or three components that will stay with you, because they're not variables, they're there, you need them, whether you like that fact or not. So what outcome do you have? Well no-one knows because no-one gets the same answer. But that's life isn't it? Totally and utterly different to every person.

Which is why those components are so important; without them, you wouldn't have the strength to try for anything good. They're what makes the trying easier and the result worth it.

Life: A series of rollercoasters, some that are scarier than others. But once you've done it, got the picture, who knows? You may want to do it again. Just don't overthink it in the queue. Don't back out because you're scared you'll throw up. If you do, you know what you have to think about next time, apply the knowledge to the next ride. Share said knowledge with your friends, then rope them into coming on with you. It's not over until you say so.

-Trust your own judgement

-Trust others

-Don't be afraid of yourself.

^ The 3 things i've just proven via this, that i should be more comfortable with.