Dead red roses,
Wilted in a vase on my windowsill,
Haunting me,
The leaves and petals,
Crisp and dry,
Fall like the change in season,
Sparking vivid passionate images,
Of the time when the flowers lived,
When love was real,
And as smooth as the next bud,
Opening up to reveal,
The rose at its most beautiful,
The perfect creation of nature.
In beauty's place lies beast,
Like the fairytale,
Only backwards,
The last petal on the rose,
Died before it fell,
You killed me before you let me go...
Friday, 30 July 2010
Sunday, 25 July 2010
So now it's all over, what happens next?
I have had, quite possibly the most exhausting and emotional week i've had for a long long time.
It's done, my baby has been laid to rest after 3 months of waiting for her father to partake in it. And i know whats been going on whilst i've been away hun, i'm not an idiot. I know what you've said and what you've tried to make me look like.
Thing is you deny so much. What are you? Not that i should care anymore. But now i find you fascinating. Now i find that you're just a manipulative cranky but above all, lazy arsehole.
And i'm wondering why.
Anyhow, it is done. And you will never know where. My family know, and the closest few know. But not you. Think of it as punishment. You'll have forgotton her in a few months anyway.
But punishment for your laziness. Punishment for not being there to discuss your daughter when everything was arranged for you.
Punishment for lying. For lying and thinking that manipulating your family would somehow manage to manipulate mine.
You are a law unto yourself, but personal law is forever your own worst enemy.
Was I out of line? Did i say something way too honest,
Made you run and hide,
Like some scared little boy,
So here's to everything,
Coming down to nothing,
Here's to silence,
That cuts me to the core.
Oh back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
On a seperate streak. It was beautiful. Calm and peaceful we held our own little goodbye service attended by just the five of us. The view is amazing, and everything fitted. It was an amazingly sad moment having to say goodbye for the last time. I held her so close so many times in her temporary 'room' and now i don't have her any more. But she's with family, and she knew she was loved i am sure of it. The place hasn't changed much. Neither has the woman, bless her. I don't know how long we were there for. A long time that's for sure. I came so close to it so many times, but felt like i needed one last cuddle. Again and again. There wasn't a way round it though, and i know i can always go to see her. I feel like i'm grieving a hole inside of me that i've accepted now though, rather than one that seemed to be in limbo.
I'm starting to let go, although god help me, and pray it doesn't drive me mad with grief.
R.I.P Faith, all your family and your godparents love you, always. Sleep well baby, mummy loves you. XXX
It's done, my baby has been laid to rest after 3 months of waiting for her father to partake in it. And i know whats been going on whilst i've been away hun, i'm not an idiot. I know what you've said and what you've tried to make me look like.
Thing is you deny so much. What are you? Not that i should care anymore. But now i find you fascinating. Now i find that you're just a manipulative cranky but above all, lazy arsehole.
And i'm wondering why.
Anyhow, it is done. And you will never know where. My family know, and the closest few know. But not you. Think of it as punishment. You'll have forgotton her in a few months anyway.
But punishment for your laziness. Punishment for not being there to discuss your daughter when everything was arranged for you.
Punishment for lying. For lying and thinking that manipulating your family would somehow manage to manipulate mine.
You are a law unto yourself, but personal law is forever your own worst enemy.
Was I out of line? Did i say something way too honest,
Made you run and hide,
Like some scared little boy,
So here's to everything,
Coming down to nothing,
Here's to silence,
That cuts me to the core.
Oh back up, baby, back up, did you forget everything?
On a seperate streak. It was beautiful. Calm and peaceful we held our own little goodbye service attended by just the five of us. The view is amazing, and everything fitted. It was an amazingly sad moment having to say goodbye for the last time. I held her so close so many times in her temporary 'room' and now i don't have her any more. But she's with family, and she knew she was loved i am sure of it. The place hasn't changed much. Neither has the woman, bless her. I don't know how long we were there for. A long time that's for sure. I came so close to it so many times, but felt like i needed one last cuddle. Again and again. There wasn't a way round it though, and i know i can always go to see her. I feel like i'm grieving a hole inside of me that i've accepted now though, rather than one that seemed to be in limbo.
I'm starting to let go, although god help me, and pray it doesn't drive me mad with grief.
R.I.P Faith, all your family and your godparents love you, always. Sleep well baby, mummy loves you. XXX
Saturday, 22 May 2010
As easy as ABC
No-ones life is as easy as abc.
Fact, right?
Everyones life has it's own complications and everyone will choose to deal with it in their own ways. It is not our place to judge other peoples' problems.
Until they solicite help in dealing with it.
Not only does this invite you to judge, but it also opens up the possibility of critisising decisions they have made, that have led to said problems. However this is extremely easy to do, when you're sat there, WITHOUT said problem in your life. Without having to worry about what will happen if you take a certain course of action. Dissecting others' problems can also lead to hypocrisy, help with your own problems, make you feel grateful or further your own problems.
I am sat on my bed, reading a book about a woman of 30, who has my dream career, with absolutely no luck in love and feeling like no-one understands her. Now, regardless of what my life is doing with itself now, that may well be me in 13 years. And my point being, that that is actually quite a peculiar and scary thought. To me, being unlucky in love is worse than having no job. But to someone else, that life would be welcomed, and love wouldn't be a worry or a problem at all.
I value love because i want to feel loved (duh) , share a connection, trust and care for someone for the rest of my life. I'm not talking about the overly slushy, fatastical and lets face it girls, unrealistic love you read about and watch on the tellybox, i'm talking about the real deal. The nitty gritty (and admittedly, sometimes shitty) stuff, that lasts a lifetime, and is there when you feel nothing else is, but you are still happy, because no matter what you've still got them.
The ups and downs of love are difficult and vary from person to person. But you and your partner understand, and should therefore be able to resolve problems coming your way and act as a united front. Because you understand each other.
My point really overall being, that you cannot take everything at face value, because there's going to be things you can't understand, but there should be someone else around, just that one someone, to understand you. And they are the person who does have the right to make a judgement and try and help you based on it.
So is trying to get a mixture of a good life, career, children, love and maybe even Reading Festival one day, gonna be easy? No. Because life is certainly not as easy as abc.
Fact, right?
Everyones life has it's own complications and everyone will choose to deal with it in their own ways. It is not our place to judge other peoples' problems.
Until they solicite help in dealing with it.
Not only does this invite you to judge, but it also opens up the possibility of critisising decisions they have made, that have led to said problems. However this is extremely easy to do, when you're sat there, WITHOUT said problem in your life. Without having to worry about what will happen if you take a certain course of action. Dissecting others' problems can also lead to hypocrisy, help with your own problems, make you feel grateful or further your own problems.
I am sat on my bed, reading a book about a woman of 30, who has my dream career, with absolutely no luck in love and feeling like no-one understands her. Now, regardless of what my life is doing with itself now, that may well be me in 13 years. And my point being, that that is actually quite a peculiar and scary thought. To me, being unlucky in love is worse than having no job. But to someone else, that life would be welcomed, and love wouldn't be a worry or a problem at all.
I value love because i want to feel loved (duh) , share a connection, trust and care for someone for the rest of my life. I'm not talking about the overly slushy, fatastical and lets face it girls, unrealistic love you read about and watch on the tellybox, i'm talking about the real deal. The nitty gritty (and admittedly, sometimes shitty) stuff, that lasts a lifetime, and is there when you feel nothing else is, but you are still happy, because no matter what you've still got them.
The ups and downs of love are difficult and vary from person to person. But you and your partner understand, and should therefore be able to resolve problems coming your way and act as a united front. Because you understand each other.
My point really overall being, that you cannot take everything at face value, because there's going to be things you can't understand, but there should be someone else around, just that one someone, to understand you. And they are the person who does have the right to make a judgement and try and help you based on it.
So is trying to get a mixture of a good life, career, children, love and maybe even Reading Festival one day, gonna be easy? No. Because life is certainly not as easy as abc.
Monday, 17 May 2010
Happy?
I'm thinking new start, new beginning, new guy. Bit more hope.
Well not exactly new, i've known him a while. Just glad he gave it the chance.
I don't know why i overlook things when they're stood in front of me. Guess i overcomplicate things. Or just think they're too good to be true.
Guess i was so caught up in not trusting people, i forgot the guy i did. It's odd what you realise when you reflect on things. I'm glad i took the time out to this time. I never really knew what it was that lead me to putting up the barrier i did. I guess past events have hurt me too much to allow anyone in. I'm too scared to get close to someone, cause i fear the rejection or the abandonment of them. Or i feel i just don't deserve them. Which may end up being a good thing, as it can keep me grounded and level headed. But it seems to do more harm than good of late.
And to be honest. I'm a little sick of it. And would quite like to jump off the edge now :)
Well not exactly new, i've known him a while. Just glad he gave it the chance.
I don't know why i overlook things when they're stood in front of me. Guess i overcomplicate things. Or just think they're too good to be true.
Guess i was so caught up in not trusting people, i forgot the guy i did. It's odd what you realise when you reflect on things. I'm glad i took the time out to this time. I never really knew what it was that lead me to putting up the barrier i did. I guess past events have hurt me too much to allow anyone in. I'm too scared to get close to someone, cause i fear the rejection or the abandonment of them. Or i feel i just don't deserve them. Which may end up being a good thing, as it can keep me grounded and level headed. But it seems to do more harm than good of late.
And to be honest. I'm a little sick of it. And would quite like to jump off the edge now :)
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